今日特推: 【雅思写作:词汇决定高分】 【雅思写作:Agree or disagree】 【雅思写作素材:best route to success】 【雅思写作如何表达陌生词】
搜索:
您的位置: 主页 > 雅思写作 > » 正文

雅思作文点评:老龄化快速增长的优缺点

浏览: 来源:互联网

  In many countries, the number of elderly people is increasing fast. To whatextent do the disadvantages outweigh the advantages?

  Nowadays, owning to the improvement of living condition(这里习惯用复数), peoplecan live much longer than before, which gives rise to the fast increasing numberof elderly people. Some hold that this situation will result in a series ofproblems, such as social burden, population expansion and so on. While othersinsist that it agrees the development of modern society and brings manyadvantages. For my part, I take the latter side with(用for) the followingreasons: (74words)

  点评:开头稍微写的有点长,不过内容写的还不错。属于通过分析两种不同观点,最后阐述自己观点的写法。(此种写法在雅思大作文的第一段比较常见)

  美中不足的是倒数第二句的错误比较明显!while是个连词,应该连接句子与句子,所以这里前面不应该是句号。后面agree是不及物动词,不能直接加宾语。

  Firstly, elder people(一会儿elderly people,一会儿又elder people,这不是自相矛盾么!!!) arethe fortune of our society. They have enough experiences and capabilities whichare badly lacked and needed for our youth when dealing with all sorts ofproblems, they can still do well in their jobs. Especially(前面应该用逗号,然后这里小写) insome professions, such as teacher, doctor, scientist and so on, sometimes(前面应该用句号,然后这里大写)age means the authority and ability. When you see a doctor, doyou prefer an elderly doctor with grey hair or a youth without mustache?(77words)

  Secondly, elder people(同上) are the happiness of our society. Increasingnumber of elderly people is also the embodiment of our improving living quality,which shows our society run(应该第三人称单数)to the right and healthy direction,we(前面句号,这里大写) have more chance and time to serve our elderly people, and it’sthe happiest time of all our life to accompany with(accompany是及物动词) our parents,grandparents and great grandparents. (63words)

  Finally, elderly people are the lubricant of our society. They have goodtemper and enough patients(应该是patience吧) to do anything, they can help us tointercede(它是不及物动词,而且主要用人作宾语) social disputes, and they make our society muchmore harmonious which(前面最好有个逗号)makes for the construction of harmonioussociety.(43words)

  正文段综合点评:此篇是典型的5段式作文的写作,正文段构思出三个分论点来证明自己的观点,的确在构思上花了不少心思。但是,这里我想提的是,还是两方面都分析一下会比较好一点。特别这篇文章是问优点多还是缺点多,那么最好是缺点讲一个,然后优点再讲两个。外国人喜欢这样的辩证分析。

  其次,总的来说,作者的语言还是挺流畅的。但是似乎标点有问题,该用句号的时候用逗号,改用逗号的时候用句号,这个也要扣分的!

  From mentioned above, the advantages of increasing number of elderly peopleare obvious more than it disadvantages(典型的Chinese English.应该说there are obviouslymore advantages than disadvantages.). Elderly people are not the burden of oursociety but the source of fortune, happiness and harmony of oursociety.(37words)

  全文总评:

  尽管总的来说语言水平还是很不错的,内容也写得很充实,但缺点是语言方面还是不够细腻。此文7分。